I decided to try a stream of conscious post, so this is just a REALLY LONG block of text. And some of the content might seem offensive, but it isn’t meant that way. It was quite the debate with myself over posting it, but it was very therapeutic for me to get it out.
Well, it was California. But now, Colorado has become home in a way.
My plan was never to stay in Colorado; I was going to get my bachelor’s degree from Colorado School of Mines (in 4-5 years), then I was going to go home and marry my boyfriend (BF for future mentions). Obviously, that didn’t happen. However, last time I mentioned this, I was told I was mistaken because sometime in about October 2008 I mentioned I was never going back to California. Truthfully, I may have said that, but it was a far more complicated and emotional mess by October. BF had broken up with me at the end of September, because all we’d been doing was arguing. I also said something (I don’t remember what) that was essentially a “we don’t seem to be working anymore” thing. Anyway, it sucked when he broke up with me. I burst into tears when it sunk in, and ran out of my friends’ house (actually, Dan’s house, I’d been rock climbing with them that day) down the street to a park. That massacred a huge part of my future plans. I also didn’t fit in with my immediate family, it just got more obvious the older I got and I still don’t really feel like I fit very well most of the time. They never really tried to get to know who I was as I was growing up because I was “scary to talk to” (I actually think ‘terrifying’ has been used a few times). Well, of course I was. The longer you go without getting to know someone, the scarier it is to talk to them. Yes, I’m extremely emotional, but I know that after getting to know me most people know how to avoid pushing those buttons (and it doesn’t take long) that cause full on meltdowns. So yes, I was an emotional stranger, that definitely sounds scary, doesn’t it?! (That is not sarcasm.) Heck, I’m scared to talk to them, even now. I have absolutely no idea what is going to offend them or get an extremely passive aggressive few days out of them (my absolute least favorite method of displaying anger is passive aggression, you don’t have to be full on raging bull, but at least tell me why you’re mad at me instead of making me guess so I can either fix it or give you the proper amount of time to cool off). Saying stuff to them that I say to other people all the time has an 80% chance of upsetting them in some way, and I have no idea why (these are things that don’t upset other people). They aren’t entirely to blame; I gave up on trying to get to know them too. Either way, I figured that when I moved out to Colorado they would be ecstatic to be rid of their problem child (that is how I felt about their opinion of me). It kind of felt true after moving out here. I remember asking at one point why they never called me just to talk. I got an answer along the lines of them not wanting to be overbearing parents… well, instead it really did just feel like they didn’t care. All of my friends out here in Colorado even noticed how they wouldn’t call, and found it really bizarre. I’ve only gotten two or three “just because” phone calls from them (two very recently) since moving out here; all the other calls were “quick question” calls that I had to very purposefully redirect into conversations. So, yea, I REALLY didn’t think they wanted me out there. Then, there was the matter of friendships. My high school “friends” were more than happy to give up contacting me and visiting with me, in general. I have one high school friend that I see and talk to regularly. Just one. I only have a few (two or three) friends from before high school that are the same. Once I got tired of breaking my neck trying to figure out if and when I could see people, they all just vanished. But in Colorado, I had friends! I was actually getting invited to things! (I had usually invited myself to things in Cali by asking repeatedly what was going on.) People would see me in the student lounge and come over to sit with me! It was really bizarre, but really nice to actually feel loved and wanted by my friends. Was I homesick? 100% without a doubt yes. But then I would think about it and “realize” that no one wanted me out there anyway (except my grandparents, who I’ve always been really close with). I also realized I was missing the memories and fantasies instead of what was actually still there. By October, I also had a pretty big crush on Dan (it started developing while BF and I were self-destructing). I was finding all kinds of excuses to spend as much time with him as possible, so I didn’t want to leave him. He also, at some point, said that he didn’t want to leave the Rockies area (he’s from Wyoming, so very similar to Colorado), so I figured I wouldn’t be leaving either as long as I was trying to stick around him (we weren’t dating yet, but I really wanted us to). Complicated, no? But then, things started to change (but probably not until after I made the “never leaving” comment). Drama erupted amongst my “friends,” and I discovered which people had absolutely no interest in me as a friend or even a human being. I also started to notice a common attitude among Colorado “natives” (it is how people born and raised in CO refer to themselves) that was less than savory: they think their state is the best (nothing wrong with that part), they wonder why anyone would EVER consider leaving, and they get pissed off about people moving here and staying. Notice how the last two parts don’t even work together? Now, not all Coloradans have this attitude, but it’s prevalent enough to cause discomfort for us “outsiders.” Everyone I talk to seems to think that I stayed out in CO because I love the state that much. No, I love Dan that much, and he got a job in CO. I stayed with Dan. I don’t even feel the need to stay living in the USA, honestly. I do have a few really good friends in CO, but I don’t get to see them all that often (life is busy for all of us, and I’m always ill). A lot of our friends also forget to invite us to things, and then we get asked why we weren’t there. It’s really weird and confusing, and it can really suck. I do like Colorado: it’s gorgeous and there are lots of outdoorsy things to do… oh wait, I can’t do most of those anymore. Well, it’s gorgeous and I think seasons are fun (to some extent). However, I really miss my grandparents, I miss my parents, I miss Christine, I miss going to the San Diego Zoo and Safari Park, I miss Six Flags Magic Mountain and Knott’s Berry Farm, I miss all the museums, I miss driving along the coast (I do not miss sand, definitely do not), I miss rainy days (which is what used to define winter; it almost never rains here for long, usually just cloudbursts), and I miss all of the memories. I know we wouldn’t have been able to afford a house in Cali, and Dan wouldn’t be home as long during the week with all the traffic. And if I moved now, I’d really miss all the friends and memories I’ve made here. But I still answer “where are you from” with Cali, even though I have been living here for over seven years now. (Part of why I still say CA is because of the previously mentioned discomfort.) However, when I leave CO, I think of going back to CO as going home. Though I think a lot of that has to do with the familiarity of my own stuff. I’ll miss the material possessions while we’re traveling, but I still feel at home if Dan is there with me. I guess this whole post has really just been the longest way of saying “home is where the heart is.” Anywhere I’m with Dan is my home.
Third assignment from Blogging U Writing 101.